Our Angel

Wednesday, May 14th was the day our angel got his wings.

John and I both stayed at the hospital the night before, and slept in until 8am or so. I used to get up earlier so I could have my teeth brushed and be ready to participate in daily rounds, but I hadn't participated in a few days. There didn't seem to be much point, so we just got the summary from the nurse. There wasn't anything new.

The nurse disconnected the CRRT a little after 10 am. They removed one of two PICC lines, then John and I gave Lincoln a bath. Then the ventilator was removed. Lincoln was on high flow oxygen for a few minutes to make sure he was stable enough to go outside, then on a lower flow nasal canula. About 20 minutes after the ventilator was removed we headed outside.

John and I got to take our baby outdoors. Last time we were home it was February and cold, so it had been awhile since we'd been able to. John got to put Lincoln's feet in the grass, and we think Lincoln liked it. He was sedated, but his feet curled around the blades of grass and he didn't pull away. John walked him around, letting him touch leaves and rocks, and showing him just a tiny bit of what we had wanted to show him in a lifetime. I'm unbelievably grateful that we were able to get some beautiful photos of our family.

Being outside with Lincoln was bittersweet. It was wonderful to be with him with no tubes or lines. But in order to keep him comfortable he was pretty sedated, and was clearly sicker than he had been two weeks prior.

We spent the rest of the afternoon in Lincoln's hospital room. Lincoln and I took a nap together and I think it was the most peaceful rest I'd had in a long while. All three of us laid in bed for awhile, then just Lincoln and I again. We watched TV, something we hadn't done in weeks. It was wonderful to just lay next to my baby, with my arm around him and giving him kisses.

John switched places with me and got into bed with Lincoln while I went down to the cafeteria to get some dinner. About 5 minutes after I got back, with his mommy and daddy holding him and rubbing his head, he took his last breaths. We think he was comfortable, and we don't think he realized what was happening. We knew before the doctor came in to check that Lincoln was gone.

We stayed in the room with Lincoln until the nurse came to prepare to take him away, which took about an hour and 20 minutes. During that hour and 20 minutes the nurses and John packed up the room. I wasn't able to do much but sit in bed with Lincoln. I wished we had packed earlier. I spent most of the hour and 20 minutes just staring at Lincoln, wishing it wasn't the last time. I know I'll see him at the funeral home, but I'm afraid by then his skin color will be different. I'm afraid he'll be pale, not his usual "liver kid" bronze, and I'll hardly recognize him. I stared at him, smelling his head, kissing his fingers and cheeks, hoping I could somehow stamp the feel of him into my mind. The nurse removed his second PICC and helped me get him into his pajamas. Blue striped with a little lion on them.

I'd wondered how it would feel to leave the hospital for the last time. The chaplain took us out the back way so we didn't have to pass anyone in the waiting room, but otherwise we left like we would have left any other day. Walking through the lobby I'd walked through so many times on my way to my peanut was heartbreaking. Luckily we have some great friends who came took our things to our house, and who met us at the house so we didn't have to be alone.

We miss Lincoln so much already, and I know that will never go away. He made us better people. He was the best baby anyone could ask for. Taking care of him was never a burden, not for a minute. I am honored to be his mom and I know John is honored to be his dad.