Why the Lincoln Classic is important

I’ve been thinking a lot about where I am in my grief, especially as September rolls around. September is Lincoln’s month for me. Lincoln would be two this year. Lincoln should be two this year.

I’ve been thinking about where I am in my grief because, well, that’s just the kind of person I am I guess. I tend to evaluate myself, my feelings, whether I’m doing better or worse than I expected. I’ve decided the pain hasn’t gotten better. It’s changed, and I’ve become better equipped at dealing with it and coping, but it’s still there. Pain that’ll take your breath away and bring you to your knees. Sometimes it will quite literally knock you down.

Harrison helps. He brings happiness and smiles, which are much needed. But that pain is still there. I used to come home (or to the hospital when that was “home”) and scoop up Lincoln. I’d give him a hug and get such a sense of peace. It didn’t matter what kind of day I had, everything was fine because I was snuggling my baby. Now I come home and scoop up Harrison. I give him a hug and no matter what kind of day I had, I feel better because I’m snuggling my baby. But I don’t get that same sense of peace. I miss that sense of peace. Not everything is fine. Someone is, and always will be, missing.

It’s always there. Sometimes in the back of my mind, sometimes in the front. But always there. Someone is missing. I’ll never have all of my children here with me.

I don’t get to post new photos of Lincoln growing up. I didn’t get to buy him a “Big Brother” outfit. I don’t get to see him teaching Harrison how to run around and get into trouble.

What I can do is celebrate Lincoln by getting together with people who love him at the Lincoln Classic. For one day I get to hear his name all day long. I get to talk about him without making people uncomfortable. I get to show the world that my baby was here, and he is important. All of this while raising money for the wonderful folks at Cincinnati Children’s who tried their hardest to save Lincoln. And that’s important.

Almost done casting!

We are almost done with casting! Harrison had his tenotomy (tendon lengthening) exactly three weeks ago. The doctor made a tiny incision in each heel so she could make little snips in his Achilles tendons, allowing her to stretch his feet from a pointed position to a straighter position. Then we had to leave the casts on for three weeks so the tendons could heal. They heal 80% in 3-6 weeks. Which I think is amazing. Kids are amazing.

Now three weeks is up, and the casts come off in the morning! We cannot wait! Tomorrow Harrison will get fitted for his brace, which looks like two shoes connected by a bar. Google says it will look something like this:

He’ll wear the brace 23 hours a day for the next three months. If all goes well and his feet do what they’re supposed to then he’ll move to wearing it only while he’s sleeping. He’ll keep doing that until he’s 4 or 5 years old.

The staff at Children’s tell us the brace will cause us more trouble than the casts because Harrison will be able to get it off. Apparently he'll learn how it works and may get a kick (haha, literally) out of trying to kick it off. I’ll take the tradeoff. I’m ready to give this baby a bath whenever I want, and take him in the pool! And take him outside without feeling bad about how hot it is. Our summer rule for having Harrison outside has been to imagine ourselves wearing a big, fluffy pair of sweatpants. If that sounds awful to us then Harrison’s probably pretty uncomfortable in two big plaster casts with cotton underneath and it’s time to get him back into air conditioning. I don't love the heat so I can't say we'd spend a ton of time sweating it out anyway, but even I've had enough of the indoors.

So excited for tomorrow!!