Why the Lincoln Classic is important

I’ve been thinking a lot about where I am in my grief, especially as September rolls around. September is Lincoln’s month for me. Lincoln would be two this year. Lincoln should be two this year.

I’ve been thinking about where I am in my grief because, well, that’s just the kind of person I am I guess. I tend to evaluate myself, my feelings, whether I’m doing better or worse than I expected. I’ve decided the pain hasn’t gotten better. It’s changed, and I’ve become better equipped at dealing with it and coping, but it’s still there. Pain that’ll take your breath away and bring you to your knees. Sometimes it will quite literally knock you down.

Harrison helps. He brings happiness and smiles, which are much needed. But that pain is still there. I used to come home (or to the hospital when that was “home”) and scoop up Lincoln. I’d give him a hug and get such a sense of peace. It didn’t matter what kind of day I had, everything was fine because I was snuggling my baby. Now I come home and scoop up Harrison. I give him a hug and no matter what kind of day I had, I feel better because I’m snuggling my baby. But I don’t get that same sense of peace. I miss that sense of peace. Not everything is fine. Someone is, and always will be, missing.

It’s always there. Sometimes in the back of my mind, sometimes in the front. But always there. Someone is missing. I’ll never have all of my children here with me.

I don’t get to post new photos of Lincoln growing up. I didn’t get to buy him a “Big Brother” outfit. I don’t get to see him teaching Harrison how to run around and get into trouble.

What I can do is celebrate Lincoln by getting together with people who love him at the Lincoln Classic. For one day I get to hear his name all day long. I get to talk about him without making people uncomfortable. I get to show the world that my baby was here, and he is important. All of this while raising money for the wonderful folks at Cincinnati Children’s who tried their hardest to save Lincoln. And that’s important.